Two: Destination Goofy Ridge

Nichelle decided the first step toward normality would be to get rid of as much of the tangible hubris as possible. Inside the human body and immediately after exiting, hubris resembled a kind of mist or fog, only with an eerie light brown tint. As it cooled and hardened, it became a pliable greyish brown substance, rather like rubber. The stuff wasn't noxious unless ingested or burned, but no one had yet devised a suitable method for disposing of it. The Monolithic Chemical Company of Goofy Ridge, Illinois had allegedly printed a manual with relevant suggestions, but it had never been made accessible to the general public.

No one knew for sure why the tangible hubris asphyxiated only the journalists; everyone was afraid to find out because investigating the cause seemed like a journalistic thing to do and no one wanted to die. Clearly, media figures were not the only egomaniacs on the planet, but they were the only ones to have perished en mass. Other professions and social groups--politicians, Freemasons, game show hosts, country club members, opera singers--fell victim merely on a spotty individual basis.

"I think it's an extinction episode, like any other," opined Jim Misanthrope, Elmer Treedweller's roommate. "For whatever reason, that portion of the population simply could not adapt. It may not be solely a matter of how full of themselves they were, just how they reacted to the change from abstract to actual."

Elmer shook his head dismissively and answered the ringing phone.

"Come to the door," Nichelle said, "It's really me."


Elmer and Jim rarely answered the door for fear of Vinny Sausage Pizza Heads. These were people who could temporarily mimic any human voice they heard, a side effect of coughing up a non-fatal quantity of tangible hubris. Actually, a great many people exhibited this talent, but only Vinny Sausage Pizza Heads used the ability deceive people into opening their front doors in order to commit some type of criminal mischief; hence the name, a kind of renegade pizza delivery person. Elmer and Jim had only been Vinny Sausage Pizza Headed once, but the experience had rendered them overly cautious.


Elmer opened the door tentatively to find the real Nichelle standing before him.


"I need you guys to take me to Goofy Ridge, Illinois," she said.

Elmer frowned. Jim cackled from the other room.

"Us?" cried Jim. "Why both of us?"

"Goofy Ridge," sneered Elmer, "did you just make that up? How far is it?"

"I don't care how far it is," came Jim's voice, "I'm not going."

"Fine," said Nichelle, "You want to be obstreperous, I'll ask Tott to take me."

An instant of silence ensued. Again, Jim laughed derisively. He had now come into the room to mock Nichelle.

"Good luck with that," he said, "You want to take a road trip with that guy?"

"Better than with you two lazy halfwits. Why can't you go? Things to do, people to see? Neither of you has done a thing since the hubris went solid! Elmer spends his time bemoaning the loss of 'The Kumquat Show', and you--"

She aimed a stubby finger toward Jim Misanthrope.

"You might as well be a pothead, sitting around playing video games and spouting off what a genius you are. Geniuses actually accomplish things, pinhead, in case you hadn't noticed. No one's remembered as the genius of idleness, the genius of lethargy."

The two men gawked at her, simultaneously affronted, stung, and awestruck. Elmer, tall and reedy, raised his gangly arms in surrender. Jim looked both angry and apologetic; he had become portly since leaving his last job and slumped down on a chair at the kitchen table. Nichelle backed out of the apartment and gently shut the door.